A Leg Up
Ronald Muncy was a part-time crook and a full-time liar. Nearly every member of the Northampton County public defender's staff had represented him regarding one criminal charge or another. Muncy didn't possess the ingenuity or imagination to engage in any significant felonious undertakings. Rather, he would try to pass a worthless check, or attempt to shoplift an $8 item. He always got caught, as if that result were part of his plan. He always steadfastly maintained his innocence. There was always a time-consuming jury trial.

Tommy Hines worked at the courthouse. He was 20 years old and labored as a clerk in the Prothonotary's Office. At night, he attended classes at the community college. He hoped someday to receive his bachelor's degree in marketing. Until then, he would have to live at home with his parents.

Loretta Figlear was employed at the courthouse, too, in the Recorder of Deeds Office. She had unblemished alabaster skin, perfect teeth, and at 19 years of age, a smile that the Mona Lisa would have envied. She and Tommy took part in early morning county-sponsored yoga classes, and soon began to eat lunch at the same cafeteria table. Then they fell in love.

Courtroom No. 1 was built to be impressive, and its oversized features commanded reverence and respect from those who dared enter. The spectator pews boasted seating for 400. The walls stretched 60 feet upward, supporting an ornate ceiling half the size of a football field, embossed with a hand-painted stenciled pattern encircling a 20-foot hanging chandelier. Thirty-foot high windows along the side walls were accentuated with polished mahogany interior shudders that worked as efficiently as the day they were installed in the 1860s, about the time of our nation's Civil War. This ornate chamber was now the domain of Northampton County's President Judge, The Honorable Clinton Budd Palmer.

The courthouse was built a century before the advent of air conditioning. An alcove large enough to hangar a four-engine jet airplane existed above Courtroom No. 1. It was designed to dissipate naturally the summer's hot air through vented duct work. A small door hidden from public view in the third floor archives led to the alcove. One day, while he was dropping off some old files, Tommy discovered the forgotten door and the unoccupied alcove.

"Holy Hannah!" he thought to himself.

He immediately shared his findings with Loretta during lunch.

"It sounds creepy," she said.

"No, Loretta, it's quiet - it's ... secluded," her lover insisted. "We could be ... alone ... "

The mammoth courthouse was busy that day. Over in Courtroom No. 4, some union organizers were seeking an injunction. Courtroom No. 5 was the setting for a guardianship petition. And in Courtroom No. 1, Ronald Muncy's fifth trial in six years was about to get underway. This time, he was charged with breaking into a vending machine. I had been assigned to represent him. I didn't like my client - not because I thought he was guilty. Rather, he was testing the judicial system when no test was warranted. He should have taken his punishment like a man. I suggested as much to him under my breath as we picked a jury.

"I didn't do nothin' wrong," he protested. "There was hundreds of fingerprints on that vending machine besides mine."

True. But only his prints were found on the interior coin box. That subtle point of evidence seemed to escape Mr. Muncy. "I'm innocent," he reiterated.

The jury was empaneled by early afternoon. By 3 p.m., the assistant district attorney had presented his entire case, including a fingerprint expert. In a flash of brilliance, my client decided to take the witness stand in his own defense.

An injunction had just been denied in Courtroom No. 4. A guardian had been appointed in Courtroom No. 5. And at the Prothonotary's Office, Tommy was taking his 15-minute afternoon break. He walked briskly to the Recorder of Deeds Office, where the unsuspecting Loretta enjoyed a simultaneous recess.

"Wait 'til you see this big attic, Loretta! Architecturally speaking, there's nothing like it - not even the Sistine Chapel!"

Loretta knew that on her salary, an excursion to the Vatican was not imminent. If Tommy possessed an interest in 19th century construction, perhaps she ought to expend the effort to share in his enthusiasm. There was one minor concern.

"Are there any spiders up there, Tommy?"

"Spiders? No ... no spiders. None whatsoever." Tommy assured his trusting companion. "The door has been shut for years, so they haven't had a way to get in."

"Do you swear to tell the Truth, and nothing but the Truth, so as you shall answer to God on The Last Great Day?"

Muncy looked into the piercing eyes of the bailiff, and responded with an unhesitating "Yes." The jury was about to hear his side of the story. Judge Palmer and I looked at each other, both silently wincing in pain.

Tommy cautiously opened the forgotten interior archive door. Loretta tentatively peeked in.

"Where are the lights?" she asked.

"Aren't any. Isn't that cool?"

The couple entered, and sat down on a 12-inch wooden floor joist cut nearly two centuries ago from virgin Pennsylvania forest. Tommy gazed lovingly at the object of his desire.

"I think I hear a spider," Loretta noted.

Tommy smiled knowingly and offered a comforting kiss.

I stood up, and began the unrehearsed inquiry of my client. "Mr. Muncy, please tell the jury your side of the story."

"Well, you see it was like this - I didn't break into no vending machine. I swear it. I had more than enough money that day to buy the candy bar."

The picture was starting to come into focus for Loretta. "Tommy," she said, "I'm not sure this is a good idea. What if someone ... ya know ... sees us?"

"That could never happen up here," the lovesick Tommy assured the hesitating Loretta, who continued to experience difficulty dedicating all of her attention to the task at hand.

"No one's been in this place for years."

"I just felt a gigantic spider touch my - "

"It's just me," the reassuring Tommy clarified.

"Huh? Oh. Right. Well, O.K.," Loretta said.

"But then the dang vending machine jammed," Muncy explained to the jury, "so I took out the 8-inch screw driver I always carry, so I could ... er ... fix the problem. I didn't mean to do nothin' criminal - on my mother's grave."

"Tommy, I ... I can't keep my balance on this rafter. Wouldn't this be ... um ... easier in your car?"

"Our break is over in five minutes. I love you, Loretta."

Muncy decided it was time for some drama. He stood up in the witness box and faced the jury - all 24 eyes. He raised his right index finger straight into the air.

"If I'm lying, may God strike me dead with a bolt of - "

A spider decided to spin in for a closer view of the entangled lovers. It landed on Loretta's nose. She screamed, kicked Tommy, then rolled off the rafter. Her left leg popped through the plaster floorboard of the ancient alcove, traveling downward until her dainty hips ended her unscheduled descent. Her naked leg now projected from the ceiling of Courtroom No. 1, directly above the witness box.

The breach of the ceiling by Loretta's shapely leg had dislodged a section of heavy plaster, which fell to earth, hitting Muncy squarely on the head. To the astonishment of the courtroom's spectators, he lost consciousness and slumped to the floor. When he came to, he brushed the plaster dust from his hair and shoulders. Then he turned to the judge.

"I'm guilty. As a matter of fact, I've never been innocent. NEVER," he blubbered. "I'm bad, but I'm going straight. I ain't never gonna do nothin' wrong never again," he confessed with heart-felt candor.

My client's frankness impressed me. But I wasn't sure if the jury had heard this important recantation. Twenty-four eyes still focused upward at the suspended naked leg flailing about. Judge Palmer took back control of his courtroom. He banged his gavel.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Please. It's just a leg. We've all seen one before. Kindly turn your attention to the case at leg ... I mean at HAND!"

Tommy finally pulled Loretta to safety. She took the rest of the day off, and later called Tommy at his parents' house to break off their romance.

As for Ronald Muncy, he was found guilty. He thanked me anyway for doing a satisfactory job, and called again six months later to inform me that he had just been awarded a high school equivalency diploma, and that he ultimately planned to attend law school.

"With all my courtroom experience, I'll probably be able to get credit for the first year of classes," he explained.

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